Jose Mourinho: "I hope we don't get relegated this season"

Jose Mourinho is at it again. The self proclaimed "special one" has always been a proponent of mind games and they've started to get worse. Recently Mourinho called an emergency press conference. The reason for this was later found to be the perception that he wasn't getting enough attention from the press and felt the need to take matters into his own hands. As confused reporters trickled into the room, a distressed Mourinho kept sighing at an unusually high volume in an attempt to let everyone know how distressed he was. The few reporters that had shown up looked around at each other, not entirely sure whether or not they should be asking questions, when suddenly Mourinho threw his head back and started to speak.

"I bet you're wondering why I've gathered you all here today."

There's a long pause as Mourinho stares into the distance for an uncomfortable amount of time.

"It's come to my attention that some of you "experts" have deemed Chelsea one of the title contenders for the upcoming season"

More confused looks from the reporters.

"I was furious when I heard these rumors mainly because this team is nowhere close to being a title contender, to be honest I'm praying that we're able to avoid relegation this season."

A few reporters get up and leave.

"Personally I think it's absurd to have such high expectations for this team after a terrible transfer market and the current state of the team. I understand that you've all seen them play a few times, but unfortunately I have to deal with them every day in training and they look terrible. I haven't done any coaching in weeks, I just sit there with my head in my hands contemplating how much worse these players could possibly get."

Finally one of the reporters felt the need to interject, "You said that you thought this transfer market was 'terrible' for Chelsea, but you signed two world class players in Fabregas and Diego Costa. Not only that but you just got Courtois back-"

"No. No, Athletico keeper."

"He's back from his loan spell though-"

"Athletico keeper"

Before wrapping up the press conference, Mourinho felt that he needed to get a word or two in about Arsenal to the few reporters that had stuck around.

"Anyone remember that game when we played Arsenal at Stamford Bridge? What a sorry excuse for a team. I mean, I thought Chelsea was bad but...wow. How about Jack Wilshere though. Am I right? We're probably going to see him in one of those depressing 'you-should-probably-stop-smoking' commercials at some point this year. Hey anyone want to hear a joke? Arsene Wenger. HAHAHAHA. Get it??? Wenger?? Because...you know...he's the worst manager to every be a part of this league? Man I am so funny."

Edit: Although none of every happened there's no way of knowing what Mourinho will lure us in with next. Only Zlatan can tell.